So here it goes. My journey to becoming an addict started when I was but a young child. You see, I was one of those kids... you know the ones that are bullied and taunted by the other students. It was not the normal kind of bullying either. It was constant and continued to progress throughout my childhood, into one of the most awkward stages of life, becoming an adolescent. Of course my self-esteem was low, due to the other students, including a family member that I attended school with! She was right there with them, teasing and hurting my feelings and well being. Now that is messed up! During my teenage years, I was actually fit, really fit, just did not see it. At all. I look back at pictures and am totally amazed at how georgous I really was. I was active in the band, the flag team and even becoming an experienced equestrian. Horses were my escape. I could go there and no one knew what my school life was like, I could be me. As far as band goes, it got so terrible with my fellow band members, I quit particpating. Then I met a young man my junior year and thought the world of him. He came from a broken home, so we fit well. He told me that what attracted him to me is that "I stood out like a sore thumb". I was hooked. Then my senior year, while dating him, I met some older people and they befriended me. Quite a bit older, in fact, but I fell right in with them. To make a long story short there, they took sexual advantage of me, gang raping me in fact, one evening during my senior year. Well, I then broke with with my boyfriend, feeling like damaged goods. I started to recover from what happened over the next few years and then met back up with the boyfriend. Well.. we got married. My self esteem was so low, I became very co-dependent on this young man, not to mention, him becoming abusive to me in every way possible that one can abuse the other. It became routine and my life. I endured this heavy abuse for 3 years, during which time I lost a baby, the one and only time I have ever been pregnant, by the hands of his violence. Okay, lets fast forward a bit.... food then became my "comfort", my "high" for the next 14 years, as I am now 38 and coming clean, so to speak. Anyways, I yo yo dieted back and forth, fat to slender to fat and then it got so out of control I have now ballooned to 289 pounds wearing a sized 22w pant. I am 5' 10 and now know my ideal weight is 188. I am almost excatly 100 pounds over weight. Along this past 14 years, I was also MIS-diagnosed with bipolar disorder, due to a break down from being so co-dependent on a younger fellow I dated in 2007-2008 that I got a label slapped on me and thrown on medications that helped aid even more weight gain. Great!! Just what I need as a food addict! I did combat co-dependency and graduated from a 12 step program, successfully. I was successful with curing my co-dependency, so I KNOW I can succeed in my new journey to a healthy me. Then, this past week, I hit rock bottom, HARD. I was weighed at the doctors office 6 weeks ago, registering at 287, but was so in denial that I ignored it. I weighed myself this past Friday and at 285, with back aches,. cracking/sore knees, horrible plantar fasciitis/ bone spurs in my feet so swollen that I can bairly walk anymore, I had enough. I am totally fed up with being fat, really fat. I decided, after going to the grocery store that afternoon, that I had a problem. But not quite ready to change. I decided I would just eat up the bad stuff and then start buying good stuff. NOPE! Does not work that way. Come Monday morning, delicious, yummy doughnuts were brought to my office and my co-workers kept pushing me to eat one. I kept saying "no", but they would not leave me alone. That was my rock bottom, my realization to make a change, a serious change. I went to my office and cried, really cried for over an hour. Thank heavens my one supervisor was there to give me pointers, as she struggled with her weight a few years ago. Then I started getting excited. I opened up to her and admitted all of my baggage. I was then ready. I came home, very excited, that afternoon and "cleansed" my kitchen. I ended up throwing away a full trash bag and 1/2 of junk, pure junk. Then all of the unopened garbage foods, I loaded into a large box to donate to the needy. I put it in my car trunk and got it out of my apartment. I felt as though I lost all that extra weight, even though, physically, it is still there. But mentally? GONE!! I then went to the grocery store and loaded my buggy with fresh, good, wholesome foods. Fresh fruits, veggies..God made foods. Whole grains and natrual products. It felt so very wonderful. So here I am starting a journey to freeing myself from food addiction and I am ready. I know in my soul it is time to take care of the temple that God so lovingly gave me, my body, my whole being. The withdrawl symptoms have been a bugger, but I will make it, I know I will. The reason so many people go back to the horrible garbage society stuffs their face with, is because the same chemical that drug addicts get from doing drugs, is the same chemical food addicts gets from eating bad foods. WOW.... a wake up call for me. So, you can choose to continue getting your "fix" or break the cycle. Eating healthy tastes good and is wonderful. It is so nice to prepare something good for my body. I have started exercising, doing fun things I enjoy, despite the pain. That is temporary. As I lose, I know I will feel better and that pain will start to go away. Well here I am at the beginning. Hope you enjoyed my LONG story, but it was so worth writing to share with the world. I am going to write as often as I can with a busy career and now work out schedule, but stay posted as I post my progress, more stories about my life and my journey to becoming whole. God Bless to you all!!
One addicts journey to becoming whole
